Grief Pen Pal Network
Facilitated by Joanne Zerdy, PhD
*Each Pen Pal who registers at $35+ will receive a specially designed & hand-stamped Grief Snail Postcard.
*Registration is currently on a Rolling Basis until the next intake in August 2024. If you are interested in joining, you may register now, check this page later this year, or join our newsletter (see below) for register reminders.
Why Pen Pals?
I began this Grief Pen Pal Network at the start of 2020, before the Covid-19 pandemic made an indelible impact on millions of us. Throughout the past three years, we have experienced an incredibly high level of loss, death, fear, anxiety, and grief at societal levels. We have also witnessed and/or experienced devastating loss from warfare and environmental disasters. On top of this collective loss and grief, we continue to deal with our individual losses, pains, and life transitions. It is a lot to carry each day.
This Network draws inspiration from the pen pal letter-writing experience that I enjoyed as a young person. Becoming a pen pal meant learning about someone else living far from me. I asked questions of my pen pal (who lived in France) to discover their interests and hobbies, their family and school, and so on. I shared details about my life. I learned about meaningful communication and heartfelt receptivity.
Letter-writing increased my cultural literacy. What at first appeared “foreign” or “strange” ended up feeling a little more familiar. Writing to a pen pal encouraged me to be inquisitive, open, and reflective. What happens if we view grief through the same lens?
Grief Postcards (4”x6”) designed for us by Anna Van Rooy @artcardsbyanna Anna carved the stamps; Joanne used them to make these cards.
These Postcards are also available for purchase in Finlay’s Garden Shop.
This Grief Pen Pal Network invites participants (18+ yrs) with diverse backgrounds who have had some kind of grief experience. Beyond the death of a loved one, grief experiences might include: the lasting impact of the COVID-19 pandemic; job loss or career transition; financial or food insecurity; infertility and/or pregnancy loss; end of a marriage, partnership, or friendship; forced relocation or migration; past trauma; chronic illness; serious medical diagnosis for oneself or a loved one; significant life transitions, including parenthood, retirement, or caregiving; collective grief experienced from warfare, gun violence, racial inequity, or climate change; and so on.
Here’s what our Grief Pen Pals have to say:
“The grief pen pal program was an immense gift to me in a period of significant grief. It was so lovely to be connected to someone open to exploring the contours of grief--to both share and receive. The practice of monthly writing also helped me to express my emotion in a different way and move through and process my grief from a different perspective. My pen pal and I started as strangers, but have now become connected through this mutual exchange--I'm grateful for her prompting questions and fresh insights.”
-Sonja, Minneapolis, MN USA
“I’ve found the penpal pairing very interesting. It’s prompted me to ask questions I wish people had asked me. It’s given me an unbiased person to talk to that I didn’t feel I was burdening with my grief. I have really enjoyed the experience.”
-Kate, Dallas, TX USA
“The Pen Pal Project has been an anchor and a meaningful way to support my grief. It's a dedicated time and space to process my thoughts and feelings. It feels vulnerable and brave to send a piece of my heart in the mail each month, and it feels so validating to be heard and supported by my pen pal. Our penpal-ship has grown into a strong, intimate, unique, and once-in-a-lifetime friendship. I highly recommend letting Inviting Abundance guide you into deep reflection and connection. “
- Sasha, Brooklyn, NY USA
"In March of 2022 my partner and I became grief pen pals. We continue to correspond with each other almost every month. Our sons both died at around the same age and it just helps to know that someone else is grappling with the intense grief that such a loss brings and that someone else shares the daily struggle of living with such loss."
-Jeanne, Northfield, MN USA
"Being a "grief pen pal" is more than putting words on paper- for me, it is an opportunity to turn inwards, to sit with my grief and agony of despair, to heal from trauma, and to find light in darkness all while sharing with someone who is going through something very similar. […] I love having a deep connection to someone I don't really know without social media and pictures giving me a feeling of "knowing" them. I would absolutely recommend becoming a grief pen pal- the connection is incredible and provides opportunity for healing and love in a different way than I personally would have experienced. Thank you for doing this program, Joanne"
- Katherine, Nelson BC Canada
"Being in a conversation with another griever is a unique gift and challenge. Corresponding with someone I know has been on a similar journey engenders courage and provides inspiration and compassionate support--I feel I am able to face and explore my own grief, and the ways it has shaped and is reshaping my path, with more bravery and insight than I would writing on my own. I'm grateful for my penpal and for our relationship that has given me the gift of more gratitude for my own journey."
-Erin, New Hope, PA USA
“I’ll be the first to tell you that I am an awful writer! So I never would have thought in a million years that I would have a pen pal. After my dad died a year ago August 11th, I was completely lost and alone. It was hard to accept the fact that I had no one that understood the extreme sadness and trauma that I was and still am going through. I decided that for my own well-being I needed to do something to relieve this constant pain. After I received my pen pal’s name and address, I couldn’t wait to start writing. The words honestly just flew off my pen, I never thought I could put words down as easily as I did. Having someone write exactly how you feel is a feeling that I can’t describe. I love hearing from my pen pal, and I love telling her all about my dad.”
-Shannon, Dryden, MI USA
“I went into this with an open mind, but was a little apprehensive in thinking if this would truly result in a friendship or help me address my own grief in a safe space. Boy, I am so glad I joined! I have found one of my best friends, without ever meeting. The prompts are great and definitely help me safely address and heal from my grief; however, having someone “there” who truly gets it and is there for you unconditionally is amazing. Inviting Abundance made a tremendous impact on my life!”
-Anita, Brooklyn, NY USA
“It kind of blew my mind to have so many similarities with someone who lives across the world. But even in the short time we have been communicating I’ve learned so much from her. We both lost a sibling and she understands exactly how that feels and how easy it is for people to look over the sibling connection and loss as less important as other familial losses. I appreciate being able to connect with her so much. It’s hard to share your grief sometimes, because parts of it will always be private and sacred to you, but I am happy to have connected with people who understand loss so deeply.”
-Nkese, Jacksonville, FL USA
”Ironically, I become pen pals with my partner in March 2022, the month my son was born. This program has helped me cope with such profound loss. My partner and I have a lot in common, both our sons died around the same age, and we lost our only child. To be able to correspond with someone who understands this horrific journey is invaluable and I am indebted to the Grief Pen Pal Network. Being able to express in writing what I cannot always say out loud is a life saver.”
-Luisa, Colorado USA
**Important!** Nuts & Bolts of Network:
This Pen Pal Network invites hand-writing of letters or cards; however, exceptions will be made for reasons of health, access, or accommodation needs.
You will receive a list of *optional* writing prompts to help spark reflection and dialogue.
NETWORK RULES — In order to join the Grief Pen Pal Network, you must agree to the following:
I commit to writing1 letter/card each month for at least 6 months.
If I need to stop my correspondence, I will inform both my pen pal and Joanne.
I will use the letters both to reflect on my experience with grief and to ask questions of/engage with my partner’s experience.
I will NOT interpret my partner’s experience for them NOR will I give advice about what she/he/they should feel, think, or do in terms of grieving or healing.
I will approach every letter that I write and read with respect, sensitivity, and compassion.
I am responsible for my own self-care. I will not look to my pen pal for therapy, and I will seek support and resources as appropriate to my needs/situation.
I understand that this is an Inclusive Project and that racism, homophobia, misogyny, transphobia, xenophobia, et al. will NOT be tolerated.
I understand that Joanne will do her best to communicate with pen pals and is not responsible if someone does not communicate with their pen pal. In these situations, Joanne is happy to re-match the pen pal at no additional cost.
***Thus far, our 250+ pen pals have come from India, Canada, Wales, England, Netherlands, Australia, Hungary, Belgium, and 38 U.S. states! it is exciting to connect grievers and to watch this network grow.***
Ready to Join Us for a Heart-ful Correspondence about Grief?
Register for the Network by clicking HERE or on the Button to the Right!
Pay your one-time Registration Fee, which is on a sliding scale: $20-$50 USD.
(*If this registration fee poses a financial burden to you, please reach out to me at: grow@invitingabundance.net)Add grow@invitingabundance.net to your Contacts list (to ensure you receive emails).
After Registering, you will receive a Welcome Email. (If you don’t receive an email within 48 hours, please send an email to check in.)
Once I match up our next pen pal cohort, I will email you with your partner’s contact information and your first writing prompt - so please include an email address that you regularly check!!
Start writing
Frequently Asked Questions
Why use Letter Writing when there are online support groups via social media?
Sitting down to write a letter requires a different kind of attention and energy than writing a social media post or leaving a comment on someone else’s post. I encourage you to create a ritual for yourself each time to write your pen pal a letter. Your ritual could involve, for example, taking some deep breaths, clearing a space for you to write, drinking a soothing beverage, journaling, setting an intention, reviewing your day/week for those moments when you felt your grief, or any other number of preparatory practices. Using letters as correspondence also necessitates a different sense of time than the seemingly instantaneous time associated with the internet. Consider the time it takes to: hand-write a letter and then have it travel through the mail, to have your letter be read by your pen pal and then be responded to by them, to have their letter make its way to you. The duration embedded in this project invites you to think about the slowness of healing and the (lifelong?) duration of grieving.
How will the Pen Pals be paired?
Since learning and cultivating empathy are key principles of this project, I will look to pair people who have different backgrounds and/or grief experiences. My aim here is to introduce you to a different perspective of and experience with grief as well as to encourage you to find points of intersection with your partner.
What if my Pen Pal and I don’t get along/aren’t compatible?
I ask that each participant enter into this network with an open mind and an open heart. Of course, pen pals could have very strong beliefs that greatly influence their perspective and interpretation of their own and their partner’s experiences. If someone feels upset by their pen pal, I would first ask them first to consider the greater context of the point of contention. Ideally, the upset pen pal could then share their feelings in response to the comment, question, etc. in their next letter. This experience could potentially lead to deeper learning for each partner. However, if the participant felt that they could no longer be open-hearted with their pen pal, then I would ask that they share the situation with me. I would then write to each partner, explaining why I think it might be in their best interest to be paired with someone else. If both pen pals wish to be re-paired, then they may need to wait until new participants register before resuming their letter-writing. In the case of the pen pal partnership ending, though, I will not be able to provide a refund on registration fees.
Why is there a cost for joining this Grief Pen Pal Network?
In order to make this network accessible to as many people as possible, we are using a Sliding Scale payment (a one-time fee of $20-$50) for registration. We ask that you make a one-time payment within that range. This fee pays for the administrative work required to read through the registered participants’ details and to match pen pals; to write introductory emails to the pen pals and to share information with partners; to generate and share thought-provoking writing prompts; and to follow up with - and sometimes re-match - pen pals.
Have additional Questions or Concerns? Please contact Joanne. Thank you!
Looking for other Grief Work Offerings? Check out our Creative Grief Mentorship, Grief Immersion for Death Workers, To Grieve Podcast, online Grief Mapping course, and Holding Space for Pregnancy Loss training.